Things You Need to Know if You're Moving From the Midwest to NJ 

I am a Minnesotan. The Iron Range area, proud and loud. I've been in NJ for four years and four months. I have wanted to get OUT of NJ for about four years and two months. Yuh. Then I went and met the man of my dreams and am now stuck here for a couple more years until his kids graduate. Eww. NJ-eww. Not the kids-eww. Needed to clarify that. Onward!

1. If you're looking for free parking then park in Pennsylvania and walk. It's the closest.
2. If you want your taxes to go to a program that runs a program in charge of programs, move to NJ.
3. "Foliage" is not viewed as all makes and models of plants and trees. It is when the colors of the trees change. THEN it's foliage. Not before.
4. You better take a crash-course in offensive driving.
5. There is something called "Abercrombe". Avoid it.
6. The state is out of pop. They only sell soda. And, no--it's not as good as pop. Get used to it.
7. The state in its entirety is touchy-feely. It is very liberal.
8. You will get flipped off every day. The liberals are aggressive and to be feared/avoided.
9. Fourteen year olds look like 25 year olds and 30 year olds look like fourteen year olds. Just card everyone. Assume nothing.
10. New Jersey is where they sell an alarming number of body parts. These body parts range from permanent eyelashes to butt implants. It's a thing. Yeah.
11. Women do not sweat.
12. Men do not sweat.
13. No one sweats. If you want to fit in, buy antiperspirant by the case. Apply it to your face, arms, feet, what have you. You'll be a'ight.
14. They have "mosh pits" at concerts. This is a place where people go to die. Avoid it.
15. Weed is everywhere and I mean everywhere. It is apparently preferable to beer. Just follow the stink. 
16. You need a permit to have a garage sale. Yeah.
17. They do not salt their roads when it snows. They use this liquid stuff that doesn't work. Accidents abound. You will not be getting home on the same day that you left for work. Plan accordingly.
18. Kids do not go to school if there is a 15% chance of snow. Uh-uh. It's not safe. (insert eye roll HERE)
19. There is a special kind of voodoo/catholic high-bred here. Be afraid.
20. Meet new people, enjoy the diversity, enjoy the beautiful greenery. . . and never forget your mace.


M.