Depression is not to be fucked with, y'all.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
A MEMORIAL TO THE BLOND KID . . .
Depression is not to be fucked with, y'all.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
SHUT UP . . .
*** NOTE: I wrote this before my morning coffee. You've been warned. Carry on.
1) People who hate in the name of religion can shut the hell up. Bombing abortion clinics to save lives? Picketing military funerals in the name of God? Teaching your children that there is only one God, one religion, one point of view and everyone else is wrong and a sinner? Fighting to stop people from loving each other because they're the same sex? Yeah. Your ignorance is stinking up my world. Shut the fuck up.
2) People who say, "Yeah? You think THAT'S bad . . ." and then completely circumvent everything someone's bleeding heart just told them and, instead, talk about themselves. It's a vile habit. You can't manage the smallest of humanitarian responses or displays of concern? Not even a moment to comment on the other person's pain? You aren't able to restrain your self-importance long enough to offer a single reassuring word? Really? Wow. Number 1: you suck. #2: Shut the fuck up.
3) People who don't know how to listen or empathize but barf out an immediate answer that is not an answer meant to help you. It's intended to shut you up because they don't want to hear it. These non-answers are, "Well--it's all for the best." "Ohh... you don't mean that." "Things will look better tomorrow." "God has a plan." What is wrong with just looking at someone that is having a hard time and TELLING them, "Uhh. That sucks, no doubt about it. Is there anything I can do to help?" For real, if you are unable to reply with something that makes THEM feel better instead of YOU, then shut the fuck up.
4) Parents who yell louder than their kids do in stores when they tell them to be quiet. Parents who don't answer their kids when the kid is saying, "Mom...mom...mom...MOM! Mom, mom, mom..." so the kid gets louder and louder until the mom finally responds. Then the mom turns to you in the grocery line and says, smiling, "I don't know why he's so loud..." Yeah. Shut the fuck up . . . and take a parenting class for Christ's sake.
5) People who give passive-aggressive compliments and never own up to them. "Wow! You look so much better since you lost all that weight!" "I really like that hair color on you--it does a great job of hiding all your gray." "Is that a stain on your shirt? (points to the stain) Don't worry--it's not even noticeable." "I just LOVE that you wear whatever you want and don't care what anybody thinks . . ."
Come on--if you're not secure enough to give a straight-up compliment sans the hidden barbs then don't say anything. It's not innocent. It's not an accident. It's passive- aggressive and you DID mean for it to come out that way. . . you just didn't want to get called on it. If you give me one of these razor-laden sweets, I WILL call you on it. Bet on it. So my advice to you is to shut the fuck up.
Okay. This was written, as I warned earlier, before my morning coffee. I am going to now go and ingest vast amounts of the miracle beverage. Then, I will once again, be talking about butterflies and rainbows. Until then, I'm thinking it's time that I shut the fuck up.
1) People who hate in the name of religion can shut the hell up. Bombing abortion clinics to save lives? Picketing military funerals in the name of God? Teaching your children that there is only one God, one religion, one point of view and everyone else is wrong and a sinner? Fighting to stop people from loving each other because they're the same sex? Yeah. Your ignorance is stinking up my world. Shut the fuck up.
2) People who say, "Yeah? You think THAT'S bad . . ." and then completely circumvent everything someone's bleeding heart just told them and, instead, talk about themselves. It's a vile habit. You can't manage the smallest of humanitarian responses or displays of concern? Not even a moment to comment on the other person's pain? You aren't able to restrain your self-importance long enough to offer a single reassuring word? Really? Wow. Number 1: you suck. #2: Shut the fuck up.
3) People who don't know how to listen or empathize but barf out an immediate answer that is not an answer meant to help you. It's intended to shut you up because they don't want to hear it. These non-answers are, "Well--it's all for the best." "Ohh... you don't mean that." "Things will look better tomorrow." "God has a plan." What is wrong with just looking at someone that is having a hard time and TELLING them, "Uhh. That sucks, no doubt about it. Is there anything I can do to help?" For real, if you are unable to reply with something that makes THEM feel better instead of YOU, then shut the fuck up.
4) Parents who yell louder than their kids do in stores when they tell them to be quiet. Parents who don't answer their kids when the kid is saying, "Mom...mom...mom...MOM! Mom, mom, mom..." so the kid gets louder and louder until the mom finally responds. Then the mom turns to you in the grocery line and says, smiling, "I don't know why he's so loud..." Yeah. Shut the fuck up . . . and take a parenting class for Christ's sake.
5) People who give passive-aggressive compliments and never own up to them. "Wow! You look so much better since you lost all that weight!" "I really like that hair color on you--it does a great job of hiding all your gray." "Is that a stain on your shirt? (points to the stain) Don't worry--it's not even noticeable." "I just LOVE that you wear whatever you want and don't care what anybody thinks . . ."
Come on--if you're not secure enough to give a straight-up compliment sans the hidden barbs then don't say anything. It's not innocent. It's not an accident. It's passive- aggressive and you DID mean for it to come out that way. . . you just didn't want to get called on it. If you give me one of these razor-laden sweets, I WILL call you on it. Bet on it. So my advice to you is to shut the fuck up.
Okay. This was written, as I warned earlier, before my morning coffee. I am going to now go and ingest vast amounts of the miracle beverage. Then, I will once again, be talking about butterflies and rainbows. Until then, I'm thinking it's time that I shut the fuck up.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
THE THING ABOUT BEING OUTSIDE the CIRCLE . . .
Depending on a person's level of awareness and politeness, s/he will call it by a different name. Creativity, independence, introversion, a loner, still waters run deep, following the beat of your own drummer . . . it's all the same. You are outside the circle. You always have been. You always will be. It's not a bad place; you see a lot of things that others don't. But, it is a lonely place; people can never quite reach you . . . never fully find you.
Those who are fully outside the circle know exactly what I'm talking about. Those of you with one foot in and one foot out, living a hokey-pokey type of existence, here is a quiz for you to let you know definitively if you are a dweller of the circle or on the outside wondering just what in the fuck those people are doing. Carry on.
1. The activities you choose are solitary and quietly stimulating. There are no fireworks. Instead, there is discovery. Writing, painting, martial arts, reading, walking, fishing, playing an instrument . . . there is no team work in any of these. It is you and your discovery, your passion, your wonder. You stand outside of the circle.
2. You find yourself impatient with small talk and bullshit niceties. These are viewed as a phenomenal waste of your time and superficial--nothing new is discovered and nothing of value is gleaned. You are always the first to cut it short and walk away. You will not be found in the circle.
3. In a room full of people wearing tuxedos if one person is wearing jeans, you will walk to that person. There is something different here. There is something to be learned; something to be discovered. You are not appalled the person is wearing jeans, you want to know WHY the person is wearing jeans. You are not of the circle.
4. You are able to see that half of 8 is 4 . . . but it is also 3. You are outside the circle.
5. You don't take a cursory glance at something that's caught your eye. You want to touch it, feel it, investigate it, see all there is to see about it and know it before you relinquish it. Things in glass cases and roped off areas that you can't touch to glean more information from are a resented irritant and viewed as a lost opportunity for you. Outside of the circle is where you dwell.
6. People have asked you, "How did you paint that?" "How did you write that?" "How did you know that?" "How did you do that?" "How did you think of that?" And when all the bullshit is stripped, you have no fucking idea. You just knew. It just was. You, my friend, are not in the circle.
7. Throughout your life, people have looked at you worriedly and asked you what's wrong--why are you so quiet? In your life you've learned that they never listen to or believe the truth. You've learned to say that you're tired or you're thinking of work or you're thinking of something you saw on the news . . . it's just easier. In reality, you're thinking of a book you read thirty years ago, you're thinking of the ancient cultures of Europe, you're contemplating why the popcorn is so goddamn greasy in a movie theater, or why deer don't change color with the seasons to evade predators like rabbits do. You are thinking. And you truly had no idea at all that you had grown quiet . . . you were busy. Thinking. You don't KNOW how to live in the circle.
8. You are the . . . unusual one in your family. Your family, who knows you as well as possible, is never entirely sure what is going to come out of your mouth. When there's a wedding, you're the one nobody is ever quite sure is going to show up until you actually arrive. People have no idea, none at all, what in the hell you are going to get them for Christmas. You are the fun uncle or the fun aunt. It will take your sibling a week to undo what you have taught their child. You just don't fit in the damn circle.
9. You are the keeper of the secrets. You are so open minded and closed mouthed that people tell you things. They know instinctively that you won't judge or condemn them. In your family, in your office, in your circle of acquaintances you harbor all the secrets and you harbor them well. The circle feels confining to you . . . suffocating. You avoid it.
10. And finally. The most tell tale sign of if you truly live outside the circle. You are deemed as friendly but very hard to get to know. Your family doesn't know you, your spouse doesn't know you, your children don't know you. They see the things you do and they've learned not to ask--they've learned there is no answer. It just is. The only person that can ever know you is another who dwells outside of the circle. And that person will know you instantly, deeply, and understand fully. It will, in all likelihood, never even be discussed. It will just be.
Those who are fully outside the circle know exactly what I'm talking about. Those of you with one foot in and one foot out, living a hokey-pokey type of existence, here is a quiz for you to let you know definitively if you are a dweller of the circle or on the outside wondering just what in the fuck those people are doing. Carry on.
1. The activities you choose are solitary and quietly stimulating. There are no fireworks. Instead, there is discovery. Writing, painting, martial arts, reading, walking, fishing, playing an instrument . . . there is no team work in any of these. It is you and your discovery, your passion, your wonder. You stand outside of the circle.
2. You find yourself impatient with small talk and bullshit niceties. These are viewed as a phenomenal waste of your time and superficial--nothing new is discovered and nothing of value is gleaned. You are always the first to cut it short and walk away. You will not be found in the circle.
3. In a room full of people wearing tuxedos if one person is wearing jeans, you will walk to that person. There is something different here. There is something to be learned; something to be discovered. You are not appalled the person is wearing jeans, you want to know WHY the person is wearing jeans. You are not of the circle.
4. You are able to see that half of 8 is 4 . . . but it is also 3. You are outside the circle.
5. You don't take a cursory glance at something that's caught your eye. You want to touch it, feel it, investigate it, see all there is to see about it and know it before you relinquish it. Things in glass cases and roped off areas that you can't touch to glean more information from are a resented irritant and viewed as a lost opportunity for you. Outside of the circle is where you dwell.
6. People have asked you, "How did you paint that?" "How did you write that?" "How did you know that?" "How did you do that?" "How did you think of that?" And when all the bullshit is stripped, you have no fucking idea. You just knew. It just was. You, my friend, are not in the circle.
7. Throughout your life, people have looked at you worriedly and asked you what's wrong--why are you so quiet? In your life you've learned that they never listen to or believe the truth. You've learned to say that you're tired or you're thinking of work or you're thinking of something you saw on the news . . . it's just easier. In reality, you're thinking of a book you read thirty years ago, you're thinking of the ancient cultures of Europe, you're contemplating why the popcorn is so goddamn greasy in a movie theater, or why deer don't change color with the seasons to evade predators like rabbits do. You are thinking. And you truly had no idea at all that you had grown quiet . . . you were busy. Thinking. You don't KNOW how to live in the circle.
8. You are the . . . unusual one in your family. Your family, who knows you as well as possible, is never entirely sure what is going to come out of your mouth. When there's a wedding, you're the one nobody is ever quite sure is going to show up until you actually arrive. People have no idea, none at all, what in the hell you are going to get them for Christmas. You are the fun uncle or the fun aunt. It will take your sibling a week to undo what you have taught their child. You just don't fit in the damn circle.
9. You are the keeper of the secrets. You are so open minded and closed mouthed that people tell you things. They know instinctively that you won't judge or condemn them. In your family, in your office, in your circle of acquaintances you harbor all the secrets and you harbor them well. The circle feels confining to you . . . suffocating. You avoid it.
10. And finally. The most tell tale sign of if you truly live outside the circle. You are deemed as friendly but very hard to get to know. Your family doesn't know you, your spouse doesn't know you, your children don't know you. They see the things you do and they've learned not to ask--they've learned there is no answer. It just is. The only person that can ever know you is another who dwells outside of the circle. And that person will know you instantly, deeply, and understand fully. It will, in all likelihood, never even be discussed. It will just be.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Ken Hoss - Author: Indie Corner
Ken Hoss - Author: Indie Corner: This week, Indie Corner features Michelle Mattila and her soon to be released debut novel, The Feeding Path . Michelle Mat...
How to Speak "Michelle" Fluently
Author's note:
My writings are usually blunt and to the point and I don't mince a lot of words. I think bluntness and gross exaggeration are funny. In real life, the place where you brush your teeth, I say very little. I watch things and people around me and rarely comment or react. When I DO respond it's usually in a way that can be taken several different ways. Of course, there have been occasions when my face remains unemotional and blank and I sum things up succinctly by saying, "Yeah. You should probably go fuck yourself." This post, however, will be addressing my more common responses so if you ever meet me, you will be able to know what I am thinking when almost no one else on the planet does. Carry on.
1) "WOW. I NEVER LOOKED AT IT THAT WAY BEFORE." = that is such an amazingly fucked up line of thought that I can't even get my head around it; my mind does not contort to that level of ignorance.
2) "HUH." = you are boring me to tears and if you do not shut your goddamn mouth, I will either kill you or myself or, a much higher probability, the both of us.
3) "WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?" = You are full of shit and lying to me. I don't believe a fucking word you're saying and unless you offer proof, I am dismissing every forthcoming word out of your mouth.
4) "YOU SEEM A LITTLE OFF TODAY..." = your level of insanity is beginning to alarm me and if you do not offer some explanation for it immediately, I will reach for my mace and hose you down with it.
5) "PARDON?" = did you actually just say what I think you just fucking said? I am in doubt that this is even possible and you're going to need to say it again for me to submit and embrace your true level of awe-inspiring stupidity.
6) ". . . BUT, I COULD BE WRONG." = I have just stated an irrefutable fact that I, more than likely, am able to cite sources, research, and names of places you can find this empirical data.
7) "MAYBE YOU SHOULD..." = you need to do this immediately--fucking instantaneously. If one of your limbs are dangling from your body, attached only by slim strands of muscle tissue, I will calmly and without expression suggest that maybe you should think about going to the doctor.
8) "LISTEN . . . GIVE ME A MINUTE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING." = You are a rude person that interrupts constantly and I have something important to say but will not even begin to speak until you agree to keep your fucking mouth shut until I'm done. I will not proceed until I get a verbal, "Okay," or a head nod. The pact has been made--you're going to shut up while I tell you something.
9) "NO SHIT..." = I am stunned nearly beyond comprehension and my eyebrows will briefly raise to express my utter shock and amazement about this new information.
10) "YEAH . . . (long pause) . . . YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT." = what you are planning on doing is so incredibly ill conceived that I am fully convinced it will lead to your immediate death or incarceration. There is a dangerously epic flaw in your plan and you need to abort right fucking now.
11) "YOU CAN KISS MY ASS." = this conversation is over.
12) "I DO BELIEVE IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF." = leave. now.
*** There. You are now fluent in Michelle Speak. Do not let my absence of facial expression, my calm voice, and my complete lack of visual excitement fool you. When I tell someone to fuck themselves, it is imperative that said person leave my general vicinity immediately before I stand up.
My writings are usually blunt and to the point and I don't mince a lot of words. I think bluntness and gross exaggeration are funny. In real life, the place where you brush your teeth, I say very little. I watch things and people around me and rarely comment or react. When I DO respond it's usually in a way that can be taken several different ways. Of course, there have been occasions when my face remains unemotional and blank and I sum things up succinctly by saying, "Yeah. You should probably go fuck yourself." This post, however, will be addressing my more common responses so if you ever meet me, you will be able to know what I am thinking when almost no one else on the planet does. Carry on.
1) "WOW. I NEVER LOOKED AT IT THAT WAY BEFORE." = that is such an amazingly fucked up line of thought that I can't even get my head around it; my mind does not contort to that level of ignorance.
2) "HUH." = you are boring me to tears and if you do not shut your goddamn mouth, I will either kill you or myself or, a much higher probability, the both of us.
3) "WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?" = You are full of shit and lying to me. I don't believe a fucking word you're saying and unless you offer proof, I am dismissing every forthcoming word out of your mouth.
4) "YOU SEEM A LITTLE OFF TODAY..." = your level of insanity is beginning to alarm me and if you do not offer some explanation for it immediately, I will reach for my mace and hose you down with it.
5) "PARDON?" = did you actually just say what I think you just fucking said? I am in doubt that this is even possible and you're going to need to say it again for me to submit and embrace your true level of awe-inspiring stupidity.
6) ". . . BUT, I COULD BE WRONG." = I have just stated an irrefutable fact that I, more than likely, am able to cite sources, research, and names of places you can find this empirical data.
7) "MAYBE YOU SHOULD..." = you need to do this immediately--fucking instantaneously. If one of your limbs are dangling from your body, attached only by slim strands of muscle tissue, I will calmly and without expression suggest that maybe you should think about going to the doctor.
8) "LISTEN . . . GIVE ME A MINUTE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING." = You are a rude person that interrupts constantly and I have something important to say but will not even begin to speak until you agree to keep your fucking mouth shut until I'm done. I will not proceed until I get a verbal, "Okay," or a head nod. The pact has been made--you're going to shut up while I tell you something.
9) "NO SHIT..." = I am stunned nearly beyond comprehension and my eyebrows will briefly raise to express my utter shock and amazement about this new information.
10) "YEAH . . . (long pause) . . . YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT." = what you are planning on doing is so incredibly ill conceived that I am fully convinced it will lead to your immediate death or incarceration. There is a dangerously epic flaw in your plan and you need to abort right fucking now.
11) "YOU CAN KISS MY ASS." = this conversation is over.
12) "I DO BELIEVE IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF." = leave. now.
*** There. You are now fluent in Michelle Speak. Do not let my absence of facial expression, my calm voice, and my complete lack of visual excitement fool you. When I tell someone to fuck themselves, it is imperative that said person leave my general vicinity immediately before I stand up.
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