Monday, May 26, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
ODE TO ITALIAN MEN
"To Italian men all over the world. Keep doing what you do. . . no one does it better." This is the dedication I chose for my novel, The Feeding Path. There is a reason that the protagonist of my novel is a dominant, Italian man. Did I say a reason? Not so much. There are many, many reasons. I will have to limit myself for the space allowed. The following, I suppose, are generalizations. There's the disclaimer. I know better but don't want bitchy emails. Carry on.
1. Italian men are ferocious when it comes to protecting anyone they love. It doesn't matter if it's actual bodily harm to a loved one or a mere insult. If you did it or said it and there's an Italian involved, my advice to you is to run. Cleats are preferable. And you may need your passport. Don't pack. Just go.
2. Italian men are like no other nationality that I've known as far as touching and being touched. They hug, they kiss, they caress, they reach out to touch you simply because you are there and they are able. Their love and affection are directly linked to their hands with no sensoring of any sort. You can also touch them at any time for no apparent reason and they won't even blink or pause in what they are saying. They don't need a reason for why you just touched them. Touch is accepted and expected and to question it would be like asking why they breathe.
3. Italian men are horrifically, abysmally stubborn when it comes to holding on to an unsettled issue. It is in their mind and there it will stay until they see you again at which point they will talk to you about it again. It is of zero benefit for you to change the subject. The second the new subject is over, the Italian man will make a sharp U-turn and spin it right back to the issue. He will continue to do this over a period of hours or days or weeks or years. . . however long it takes for him to feel that the issue has been fully resolved to his satisfaction. Think you've heard the last of it? Not even remotely. He will still bring it up but will tack on that the issue has been resolved . . . but he still remembers. Fortunately for all of human kind, the Italian man will also do this with something nice that you've done for him or experienced with him. He will never forget it and you will be reminded by him forever more of how it brought him joy.
4. I have never known an Italian man to waffle. He likes you or he doesn't. You're in or you're out. Something is right or it's wrong. Except, of course, when it comes to his family. The family member can be wrong . . . but it will be some non-family member's fault. And the non-family member needs to get his passport. If it involves the Italian man's daughter? It may be better to book a flight with NASA.
5. Italian men subconsciously keep a steady, flowing surveillance on the women in their life. A woman need only pull down her shirt sleeves and he will go get a blanket without a word or a question. She may cough and he will turn toward her to see if she coughs again and if she does he'll get her water or ask if she's okay. He will keep track of when and how much she's eaten. He'll watch to see if she looks tired and encourage her to go to sleep if he thinks she needs rest. None of this is manners or chivalry. It's something much more beautiful and rare. He genuinely, instinctively wants her to be comfortable, happy, protected, and well. He views her as something delicate and precious that he needs to care for and monitor to make sure that all is well with her. There is no heart that beats like an Italian man's heart beats for his mother, his sister, his daughter, his wife, or his girlfriend. God help the ignorant soul who ever does anything to harm any of these women. The only thing worse than an Italian man coming after you is if he brings his Italian brother with him. Or cousin. Or uncle. If this is the case, my friend, you are fucked. Accept your fate. There will be no getting out of it.
6. There is a reason that Italian men are some of the best cabinet makers, artists, carpenters, and architects in the world. Their attention to detail, powers of observation, and almost obsessive need to do something how it should be done and to do it beautifully seems to be ingrained on a molecular level. To do something well isn't good enough. It needs to verge on being beautiful in its perfection. There is no pride like Italian craftsmanship pride. There are no cutting corners. There is no, "good enough." There is perfect and there is shit. Those are the two categories for Italian workers. You will not find a third category.
****This is my abbreviated, woefully inefficient list of why I love Italians, why I wrote and will continue to write about Italians, and why I dedicated my book to Italians. Once again: to Italian men everywhere. Keep doing what you do . . . no one does it better.
1. Italian men are ferocious when it comes to protecting anyone they love. It doesn't matter if it's actual bodily harm to a loved one or a mere insult. If you did it or said it and there's an Italian involved, my advice to you is to run. Cleats are preferable. And you may need your passport. Don't pack. Just go.
2. Italian men are like no other nationality that I've known as far as touching and being touched. They hug, they kiss, they caress, they reach out to touch you simply because you are there and they are able. Their love and affection are directly linked to their hands with no sensoring of any sort. You can also touch them at any time for no apparent reason and they won't even blink or pause in what they are saying. They don't need a reason for why you just touched them. Touch is accepted and expected and to question it would be like asking why they breathe.
3. Italian men are horrifically, abysmally stubborn when it comes to holding on to an unsettled issue. It is in their mind and there it will stay until they see you again at which point they will talk to you about it again. It is of zero benefit for you to change the subject. The second the new subject is over, the Italian man will make a sharp U-turn and spin it right back to the issue. He will continue to do this over a period of hours or days or weeks or years. . . however long it takes for him to feel that the issue has been fully resolved to his satisfaction. Think you've heard the last of it? Not even remotely. He will still bring it up but will tack on that the issue has been resolved . . . but he still remembers. Fortunately for all of human kind, the Italian man will also do this with something nice that you've done for him or experienced with him. He will never forget it and you will be reminded by him forever more of how it brought him joy.
4. I have never known an Italian man to waffle. He likes you or he doesn't. You're in or you're out. Something is right or it's wrong. Except, of course, when it comes to his family. The family member can be wrong . . . but it will be some non-family member's fault. And the non-family member needs to get his passport. If it involves the Italian man's daughter? It may be better to book a flight with NASA.
5. Italian men subconsciously keep a steady, flowing surveillance on the women in their life. A woman need only pull down her shirt sleeves and he will go get a blanket without a word or a question. She may cough and he will turn toward her to see if she coughs again and if she does he'll get her water or ask if she's okay. He will keep track of when and how much she's eaten. He'll watch to see if she looks tired and encourage her to go to sleep if he thinks she needs rest. None of this is manners or chivalry. It's something much more beautiful and rare. He genuinely, instinctively wants her to be comfortable, happy, protected, and well. He views her as something delicate and precious that he needs to care for and monitor to make sure that all is well with her. There is no heart that beats like an Italian man's heart beats for his mother, his sister, his daughter, his wife, or his girlfriend. God help the ignorant soul who ever does anything to harm any of these women. The only thing worse than an Italian man coming after you is if he brings his Italian brother with him. Or cousin. Or uncle. If this is the case, my friend, you are fucked. Accept your fate. There will be no getting out of it.
6. There is a reason that Italian men are some of the best cabinet makers, artists, carpenters, and architects in the world. Their attention to detail, powers of observation, and almost obsessive need to do something how it should be done and to do it beautifully seems to be ingrained on a molecular level. To do something well isn't good enough. It needs to verge on being beautiful in its perfection. There is no pride like Italian craftsmanship pride. There are no cutting corners. There is no, "good enough." There is perfect and there is shit. Those are the two categories for Italian workers. You will not find a third category.
****This is my abbreviated, woefully inefficient list of why I love Italians, why I wrote and will continue to write about Italians, and why I dedicated my book to Italians. Once again: to Italian men everywhere. Keep doing what you do . . . no one does it better.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
CLINICAL OBSERVATIONS OF DUDES IN JERSEY, YORK, AND MINNESOTA
1. In Jersey, a man is allowed to have a cat and a motorcycle. This is not allowed in Minnesota.
2. In Jersey, men view everyone as a potential crazy person. In Minnesota, men only view other men as potential crazy people and even then, it doesn't matter if the dude is crazy as long as he's smaller than you.
3. In New York, men are allowed to carry umbrellas. In Minnesota, this will get your ass kicked.
4. In New York, men are able to purchase and wear skinny jeans. This is not possible in Minnesota.
5. In New York AND New Jersey, men are allowed to know how to cook and can still be muscular and wear jeans. This is not allowed in Minnesota except, of course, if there is a grill involved. The grill must be outside or it, too, is not allowed.
6. In New Jersey, a man can watch Nascar and not have a pair of buck antlers somewhere on the premises. In Minnesota, you are not allowed to watch Nascar unless you deer hunt.
7. In New Jersey, it is called hunting if you shoot a duck. In Minnesota, this is known as target practice until deer/moose/bear season opens.
8. In Minnesota, if you lean in to talk to a stranger, the stranger will lean in, too, to hear you better. In New York, they see you leaning in as a potential threat and immediately back up.
9. In Minnesota, if you don't look every stranger in the eye, you are viewed as sneaky and not to be trusted. In New York, if you look a stranger in the eye, you are viewed as mentally unstable and avoided.
10. In Minnesota, you need a reference person to be trusted. "Where you from? Oh yeah? My second cousin's first grade teacher grew up there. Do you know (insert name of person)?" In Jersey, it takes time to be trusted and no references will fix it. In Minnesota, no time will fix it until a reference person is found. I am unaware of any combination of events that will get a New Yorker to trust.
2. In Jersey, men view everyone as a potential crazy person. In Minnesota, men only view other men as potential crazy people and even then, it doesn't matter if the dude is crazy as long as he's smaller than you.
3. In New York, men are allowed to carry umbrellas. In Minnesota, this will get your ass kicked.
4. In New York, men are able to purchase and wear skinny jeans. This is not possible in Minnesota.
5. In New York AND New Jersey, men are allowed to know how to cook and can still be muscular and wear jeans. This is not allowed in Minnesota except, of course, if there is a grill involved. The grill must be outside or it, too, is not allowed.
6. In New Jersey, a man can watch Nascar and not have a pair of buck antlers somewhere on the premises. In Minnesota, you are not allowed to watch Nascar unless you deer hunt.
7. In New Jersey, it is called hunting if you shoot a duck. In Minnesota, this is known as target practice until deer/moose/bear season opens.
8. In Minnesota, if you lean in to talk to a stranger, the stranger will lean in, too, to hear you better. In New York, they see you leaning in as a potential threat and immediately back up.
9. In Minnesota, if you don't look every stranger in the eye, you are viewed as sneaky and not to be trusted. In New York, if you look a stranger in the eye, you are viewed as mentally unstable and avoided.
10. In Minnesota, you need a reference person to be trusted. "Where you from? Oh yeah? My second cousin's first grade teacher grew up there. Do you know (insert name of person)?" In Jersey, it takes time to be trusted and no references will fix it. In Minnesota, no time will fix it until a reference person is found. I am unaware of any combination of events that will get a New Yorker to trust.
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