Depending on a person's level of awareness and politeness, s/he will call it by a different name. Creativity, independence, introversion, a loner, still waters run deep, following the beat of your own drummer . . . it's all the same. You are outside the circle. You always have been. You always will be. It's not a bad place; you see a lot of things that others don't. But, it is a lonely place; people can never quite reach you . . . never fully find you.
Those who are fully outside the circle know exactly what I'm talking about. Those of you with one foot in and one foot out, living a hokey-pokey type of existence, here is a quiz for you to let you know definitively if you are a dweller of the circle or on the outside wondering just what in the fuck those people are doing. Carry on.
1. The activities you choose are solitary and quietly stimulating. There are no fireworks. Instead, there is discovery. Writing, painting, martial arts, reading, walking, fishing, playing an instrument . . . there is no team work in any of these. It is you and your discovery, your passion, your wonder. You stand outside of the circle.
2. You find yourself impatient with small talk and bullshit niceties. These are viewed as a phenomenal waste of your time and superficial--nothing new is discovered and nothing of value is gleaned. You are always the first to cut it short and walk away. You will not be found in the circle.
3. In a room full of people wearing tuxedos if one person is wearing jeans, you will walk to that person. There is something different here. There is something to be learned; something to be discovered. You are not appalled the person is wearing jeans, you want to know WHY the person is wearing jeans. You are not of the circle.
4. You are able to see that half of 8 is 4 . . . but it is also 3. You are outside the circle.
5. You don't take a cursory glance at something that's caught your eye. You want to touch it, feel it, investigate it, see all there is to see about it and know it before you relinquish it. Things in glass cases and roped off areas that you can't touch to glean more information from are a resented irritant and viewed as a lost opportunity for you. Outside of the circle is where you dwell.
6. People have asked you, "How did you paint that?" "How did you write that?" "How did you know that?" "How did you do that?" "How did you think of that?" And when all the bullshit is stripped, you have no fucking idea. You just knew. It just was. You, my friend, are not in the circle.
7. Throughout your life, people have looked at you worriedly and asked you what's wrong--why are you so quiet? In your life you've learned that they never listen to or believe the truth. You've learned to say that you're tired or you're thinking of work or you're thinking of something you saw on the news . . . it's just easier. In reality, you're thinking of a book you read thirty years ago, you're thinking of the ancient cultures of Europe, you're contemplating why the popcorn is so goddamn greasy in a movie theater, or why deer don't change color with the seasons to evade predators like rabbits do. You are thinking. And you truly had no idea at all that you had grown quiet . . . you were busy. Thinking. You don't KNOW how to live in the circle.
8. You are the . . . unusual one in your family. Your family, who knows you as well as possible, is never entirely sure what is going to come out of your mouth. When there's a wedding, you're the one nobody is ever quite sure is going to show up until you actually arrive. People have no idea, none at all, what in the hell you are going to get them for Christmas. You are the fun uncle or the fun aunt. It will take your sibling a week to undo what you have taught their child. You just don't fit in the damn circle.
9. You are the keeper of the secrets. You are so open minded and closed mouthed that people tell you things. They know instinctively that you won't judge or condemn them. In your family, in your office, in your circle of acquaintances you harbor all the secrets and you harbor them well. The circle feels confining to you . . . suffocating. You avoid it.
10. And finally. The most tell tale sign of if you truly live outside the circle. You are deemed as friendly but very hard to get to know. Your family doesn't know you, your spouse doesn't know you, your children don't know you. They see the things you do and they've learned not to ask--they've learned there is no answer. It just is. The only person that can ever know you is another who dwells outside of the circle. And that person will know you instantly, deeply, and understand fully. It will, in all likelihood, never even be discussed. It will just be.
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