How to Speak "Michelle" Fluently

Author's note:
My writings are usually blunt and to the point and I don't mince a lot of words. I think bluntness and gross exaggeration are funny. In real life, the place where you brush your teeth, I say very little. I watch things and people around me and rarely comment or react. When I DO respond it's usually in a way that can be taken several different ways.  Of course, there have been occasions when my face remains unemotional and blank and I sum things up succinctly by saying, "Yeah. You should probably go fuck yourself."  This post, however, will be addressing my more common responses so if you ever meet me, you will be able to know what I am thinking when almost no one else on the planet does.  Carry on.


1) "WOW.  I NEVER LOOKED AT IT THAT WAY BEFORE." = that is such an amazingly fucked up line of thought that I can't even get my head around it; my mind does not contort to that level of ignorance.

2) "HUH." = you are boring me to tears and if you do not shut your goddamn mouth, I will either kill you or myself or, a much higher probability, the both of us.


3) "WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?" = You are full of shit and lying to me. I don't believe a fucking word you're saying and unless you offer proof, I am dismissing every forthcoming word out of your mouth.


4) "YOU SEEM A LITTLE OFF TODAY..." = your level of insanity is beginning to alarm me and if you do not offer some explanation for it immediately, I will reach for my mace and hose you down with it.


5) "PARDON?" = did you actually just say what I think you just fucking said? I am in doubt that this is even possible and you're going to need to say it again for me to submit and embrace your true level of awe-inspiring stupidity. 


6) ". . . BUT, I COULD BE WRONG." = I have just stated an irrefutable fact that I, more than likely, am able to cite sources, research, and names of places you can find this empirical data.


7) "MAYBE YOU SHOULD..." = you need to do this immediately--fucking instantaneously.  If one of your limbs are dangling from your body, attached only by slim strands of muscle tissue, I will calmly and without expression suggest that maybe you should think about going to the doctor.


8) "LISTEN . . . GIVE ME A MINUTE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING." = You are a rude person that interrupts constantly and I have something important to say but will not even begin to speak until you agree to keep your fucking mouth shut until I'm done.  I will not proceed until I get a verbal, "Okay," or a head nod. The pact has been made--you're going to shut up while I tell you something.


9) "NO SHIT..." = I am stunned nearly beyond comprehension and my eyebrows will briefly raise to express my utter shock and amazement about this new information.


10) "YEAH . . . (long pause) . . . YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT." = what you are planning on doing is so incredibly ill conceived that I am fully convinced it will lead to your immediate death or incarceration. There is a dangerously epic flaw in your plan and you need to abort right fucking now.


11) "YOU CAN KISS MY ASS." =  this conversation is over.


12) "I DO BELIEVE IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF."  =  leave.  now. 


***  There.  You are now fluent in Michelle Speak. Do not let my absence of facial expression, my calm voice, and my complete lack of visual excitement fool you. When I tell someone to fuck themselves, it is imperative that said person leave my general vicinity immediately before I stand up.