Why My Future Lies in Prison

1)  I will have finally killed an old lady with my grocery cart by running her over.  And then backing over her, and then running over her again.  It will have been an accident.


2)  I will find my Italian dude, complete with Italian accent, and become a stalker.  I will also steal his underwear and kick out all the tire stems on his girlfriend's vehicle.  


3) I will lose my sense of humor with the mailman who sits in the driveway and honks for me to come retrieve packages from him because he doesn't want to get his fat ass out of the car.  I will, at some point, stab him in the face with a fork.


4) I will get one too many literary critiques asking me if I can write a "nice" book.  They don't like psychological thrillers but like my writing so, will I write a nice book?  Yeah.  Death will not ensue when I finally lose it, but there will be a Taser involved...hooked up to a fucking generator.


5)  If, at some point, I ever become a wealthy writer, I will hire a squad of detectives to track down and get me the addresses of every telemarketer that calls after five.  Immediately following these addresses, I will request the addresses of company owners who hire customer service representatives who cannot speak fucking English.


6)  Face book and LinkedIn will eventually get a restraining order against me which I will immediately violate.


7)  Someone will burp and fart at me at the exact same time and their life will end immediately...fucking instantaneously.


8)  Another editor will inform me that there's too much violence in the world, ask why I would want to contribute to that, and I've got some talent--why don't I write a nice cookbook?


9)  I will attempt to open a CD in its original packaging without having taken my Valium.  There is no fixed target in this scenario, rather anyone and anything with a pulse who is unable to duck airborne objects.


10)  I will have finished my editing and promoting early and sat down to enjoy watching the Timberwolves play only to find it's been blacked out.  Dish Network may well receive an odd, powdery substance in their mail.